The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 7

A long-delayed welcome back to an old favorite: the Bible. As usual, the sugar-coated teachings of the elders have been undercut with the saucy impertinence of today’s cynical bloggers. While many of you may find this to be “just fine,” rest assured someone, somewhere is busily putting together a chain email, full of grammatical errors and exclamation points, decrying today’s lack of morality and respect.

Before you finish adding the last few bits of ALL CAPS, why don’t you read a bit. And contemplate.

Previous heretical texts stored safely here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archives

The crew of "To Catch a Predator" sets the bait.

1And there went a man of the house of Levi, and took to wife a daughter of Levi, much to Levi’s surprise and instant outrage.

2And the woman conceived, less than two months after a hasty wedding, and bare a son: and when she saw him that he was a goodly child, she hid him three months, as his incessant goodliness made dinner conversations awkward. And boring. And don’t even mention the “marital relations.”

3And when she could not longer hide/put up with him, she took for him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime and with pitch, and put the child therein; and she laid it in the flags by the river’s brink. When Social Services arrived to investigate a “slimy, pitchy baby,” they found themselves stymied by the archaic term “flags” and turned the whole case over to the Sheriff’s office.

4And his sister stood afar off, to wit what would be done to him, because she was nosy. And somewhat barren.

5And the daughter of Pharaoh came down to wash herself at the river; and her maidens walked along by the river’s side, uttering sycophantic nonsense; and when she saw the ark among the flags (whatever the hell they are), she sent her maid to fetch it.

6And when she had opened it, she saw the child: and, behold, the babe wept. So did the pitchy, slimy baby. And she had compassion on him, and said, This is one of the Hebrews’ children, which reminds me, could you maidens run down and make sure they’re still enslaved? Thanks, you’re a dear.

7Then said his sister to Pharaoh’s daughter, Shall I go and call to thee a nurse of the Hebrew women, that she may nurse the child for thee? And Pharoah’s daughter said, shouldn’t you be back in your slave hut or whatever?

8And Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, Go. And try to act more “enslaved.” And the maid went and called the child’s mother.

9And Pharaoh’s daughter said unto her, Take this child away, and nurse it for me, for I am incredibly busy. And spoiled. And I will give thee thy wages. And the woman took the child, and nursed it, saying something under her breath about a “ridiculously circuitous plan.”

10And the child grew, and she brought him unto Pharaoh’s daughter, and he became her son and was tattooed with the Egyptian hieroglyphic for “adopted.” And she called his name Moses: and she said, Because I drew him out of the water. Or rather, my maidens did, but I take the credit around here.

11And it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens: and he spied an Egyptian smiting an Hebrew, one of his brethren, and Moses felt a tag guilty about his general “unsmittenness.” He did, however, begin to feel better about his “adoptedness,” which was pretty much burden-free.

Unfortunately, Moses' privileged life had made his shanking skills a little rusty...

12And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man (and only a couple of women whose eyewitness account would be immediately discounted), he slew the Egyptian, just to watch him die, and hid him in the sand.

13And when he went out the second day, behold, two men of the Hebrews strove together (which is not nearly as dirty as it sounds): and he said to him that did the wrong, Wherefore smitest thou thy fellow? And Moses said, What the hell was that? English, motherfucker. Do. You. Speak. It.

14And he said, Who made thee a prince and a judge over us? (Um, the princess did. Duh.) Intendest thou to kill me, as thou killedst the Egyptian? Moses said, well, not originally but you’re starting to pissedst me off. And Moses feared, and said, Surely this thing is known, and regretted handing out the t-shirt emblazoned with “Moses: Kills Egyptians Dead.”

15Now when Pharaoh heard this thing, he sought to slay Moses. With extreme prejudice. [Musical sting.] But Moses fled from the face (and other more damaging parts) of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian (Egypt’s “Mexico”): and he sat down by a well, feeling very grateful that he was not in Bruges.

16Now the priest of Midian had seven daughters(!): and they came (!!) and drew water(!!!), and filled the troughs to water their father’s flock. (…)

17And the shepherds came and drove them away in their finest pimpmobiles: but Moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock. And fertilized their crops. (+4 EXP)

18And when they came to Reuel their father, he said, How is it that ye are come so soon to-day? I was expecting you later. And this thing with the vacuum hose… well… it’s really not what it looks like.

19And they said, An Egyptian delivered us out of the hand of the “shepherds,” and also drew water enough for us, and watered the flock. And fertilized our crops. And rescued a baby calf. (Check gifts.)

20And he said unto his daughters, And where is he? why is it that ye have left the man? seriously, what the hell, women? call him, that he may eat bread. And watch “Egypt’s Top Model.”

As he struggled to contain his nauseousness, Moses pondered Zipporah's fascination with her bag of feces.

21And Moses was content to dwell with the man (seven daughters being a lot of contentment): and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter, who was well-known for her catchy name and infectious… laugh.

22And she bare him a son, and on the first try, sending her father (he of the “women-only” swimmers) into a spiralling depression, and he called his name Gershom: for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land.

23And it came to pass in process of time, that the king of Egypt died: and the children of Israel sighed by reason of the bondage, and they cried, and their cry came up unto God by reason of the bondage, which had gone well past what could be considered arousing.

24And God heard their groaning (and bitching), and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob, which apparently was right at the tip of his tongue for the past several generations, but now… NOW YOU REMEMBER IT??!?! WTF???

25And God looked upon the children of Israel, and God had respect unto them and their bondage, and gave them a safety word.

-CLT